Dreaming…and can I make it real?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been dreaming of my ultimate life my whole life.  Well, at least for as long as I can remember.  What does this look like you ask?  It’s  not the picket fence and 2 1/2 kids that you might think.

I mean…who has 2 1/2 kids?

No. My whole life I wanted to work for myself.  On MY terms!!

I blame my parents on this one.  They’re both extremely stubborn. And, I’m their spawn.

Back to my dream.  Maybe I should give a little background on me.  And….maybe you can relate.

I grew up with an older sister and older brother.  My parents had me when they were almost 40.  I was born 1972.  Do the math if you will.

My brother was 14 years older than me.  Yes.  You read that right.  14 years older.  My sister was adopted.   She is 3 years older than me.  Yes….you read that right. Past tense for my brother.  (I’ll dive into that at another time.  He left us three years ago)

Anyway….I grew up pretty smart.  At least that is what I was told. My IQ was higher than my sister’s and my brother’s. What??? They’re so smart!!

So, imagine the blow I got from my fourth grade teacher when she pulled me aside to tell me that she had to pull me out of advanced reading and put me in the “normal” reading group. I. Was. Devastated. It sounds ridiculous to read that I’m sure.  But, here I am.  9 years old?  All of my friends and classmates are playing, while I’m sitting with my teacher as she explains to me that I’m not good enough anymore.  And then she has the audacity to say…go along.  Play with your friends. What??? I’m not their equal anymore.  They must see that I’m less worthy, too.  How will I ever be liked anymore?

This, literally, set the stage for the rest of my life.  Up until now.  I’m not worthy.  I’m not smart enough.  I’m not good enough.

So….I’ve spent the rest of my life from age 9 until recently, not believing in myself at all.  I played a good game.  But, ultimately, I kept trying so many things to find what I’m good at.  Failing!!  Why?  Because, I’m not smart enough. I’m not good enough.  I’m not worthy.

As an adult, you really think these childhood beliefs weed themselves out.  That you realize what you’re worth.

But, we’re all little kids in our minds.  We hold on to those “truths” from when we were young from whomever told us those horrible lies.  Teachers. Parents. Friends.

My 4th grade teacher has never left me. I will never forget her keeping me back from playtime to tell me she’s holding me back from advanced reading.  She killed any confidence I had.

Now, I’m not saying that maybe I couldn’t handle advanced reading anymore in 4th grade.  I don’t know.  Maybe it was the best decision. It was the way she told me.  The way she made me feel less than.  I was only 9.  We hold on to that.

Was there anything that happened to you between 6 and 10?  What happened that changed the trajectory of your  life?

I’ve since gotten my Master’s Degree  But, that was recently. And, that was a fight.  I had to fight through all of my limiting beliefs.  And, even with the degree I have still since fought with being good enough to discover my place in the world using that degree.  So many limiting beliefs.

I’m still fighting to create the life I deserve.  I’m still fighting for the life I know I’m smart enough to hold and share with my husband.  I’ve reading books and watching podcasts and discovering my worth.  It’s challenging to go through all of the emotions and garbage that are still held in your heart and mind. But, it’s SO freeing and rewarding!!  You can read my previous posts to find the books/podcasts I’ve been using.

Please find and do the work to discover and know your worth.  Don’t keep it in the hands of a teacher or loved one.  You own your worth.  You.  No one else.  And you are enough as you are now.

Love and appreciation.


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